so, its been about 3 months into my clinicals. now in my obsgyn rotation. the amount of privates i’ve seen!!! imagine, the first pussy i’ve ever seen in my life was 65 years old. sad right. and all the bimanuals and deliveries have made me immune to the supposed charm of the pussy. oh yeah, and people who say childbirth is a beatiful thing, have never seen an actual delivery. it is one of the most grossest things you can imagine, but once you see the baby at the end, you kind of forget about all that. maybe thats what they meant huh.
today was the last lecture ever of my three and a half years of theory. and i went! seems a bit funny to think that we will never have another lecture in one of those classrooms again. i mean, after 3 and a half years of sitting in the back row, usually bored to death, looking for the attendance sheet so that you can sign your name, you’d never think that you’d ever miss that. i dont….yet. maybe i will, i dunno. but for now, i’m just happy its over. i dont think i’ll ever miss the lectures or lecturers themselves, its more to missing all of us batchmates together in one room, talking crap most of the time. once we start our clinicals, it will be next to impossible for all of us to just come together like that again i guess. so here’s wishing everyone luck. do good in the exam on friday, the final exam of our first degree and good luck in everything else.
whats up with this new wordpress dashboard la? have to look around for everything. was just getting used to the old one. anyway, 2008 is drawing to a close. good to know. feels a bit different cause will be entering clinical rotation and will be leaving behind the life of a theory student. dunno if i’m prepared. sure as hell doesn’t feel as if i am. just going through the motions right now. hoping to settle stuff so can graduate on time. just have to see how it goes la. hopefully well. have to move out soon also. bloody owner raised the rent. so far haven’t found a new place yet. i might be homeless for the new year. or maybe i’ll just stick around and not pay. screw you. you deserve it asshole. you owe me free lodging for making me look for a place in the middle of all my exams and stuff. asshole. anyway, hanif is a top ass photographer. dunno where that came from but its true. go check out his pics. what else, what else? hmmm…oh yeah some friends got deported! top shit right. haha. who the hell gets deported from indonesia? hahaha. so i also have a dog to look after for a few days till they get back. J.D., a golden retriever which goes crazy at the very sight of someone picking up his food bowl. thats about it la. i think. ya thats it. wait…. no thats all.
So, we had a cooking session yesterday. We’ve been doing that quite often since we came back from our semester break. Its actually quite fun you know, cooking. And, we’re starting to get good. As in, our food doesn’t totally suck. Hehe. Anyway,
Looks good right? It tasted good as well. Haha.
Tagged by Nadiah on 15 little known facts about me:
1. My nickname in secondary was Goldfish (for obvious reasons)
2. I’m a 2nd Dan black belt in Taekwondo
3. I’m a stickler for punctuality and i can’t stand people who are not on time. (Bloody indian timing, haha)
4. I am terrified of rats.
5. Bombay’s is the only drink which made me puke and I cannot stand the taste or smell of it to this day.
6. I had imaginary friends and pets when I was a kid.
7. I don’t lose my temper easily.
8. Contrary to what many people think, I do believe in the existence of God, its religion I don’t believe in.
9. My first crush lasted for 12 years. (I didn’t get the girl)
10. When I was 4, I got my dick stuck in my zipper. That was also the year I started wearing underwear regularly.
11. My eyes well up at sad movies but I hold the tears from flowing like a man..haha
12. I do not approve of girls smoking. If you think I’m sexist or old-fashioned, screw you.
13. I owe every inch of sarcasm in me to my mother. You haven’t seen sarcastic till you’ve met my mother.
14. I like kids, but they run away from me….
15. The thing i hate most in this world is shopping!!!!
Do you know what it feels like to want something with all your heart and then realise that you could never have it? The pain that realisation brings you is so real, so deep, so….final. I’ve been feeling that way from the first time I ever laid eyes on her. There was just something about her. It was her beauty, her grace, her charm, her intelligence, her smile, her voice and yet, there was something else. Something yet-to-be-named. Just….something. All she had to do was smile at me and I would turn into a blubbering idiot. She had that affect on me. Again, there was just something about her. But she never saw me as anything more than a good friend. And that was when the pain came. She started to date another guy. Imagine having to pretend that I was okay with her relationship with another guy every single day just so our friendship wouldn’t be affected. Everytime she comes to me to talk about her relationship I have to put on an emotional mask just so I wouldn’t scream with the pain of the knife which was now firmly in my heart. Call me crazy, or obsessed or whatever. I say it was unconditional love. No matter what she did or said or whoever she was with, i still loved her. Every single day thoughts run through my head of how things would or could have been if we were together. And every thought brought with it a painful turn of the knife. It has got to the point where the pain is just too unbearable. I don’t think I can take it anymore. Not for much longer anyway. In my short life I’ve realised that there are many things in life worse than dying. But there are not many things in life worse than what I have to go through every day. I know that you would say she’s only a girl and that there are many more fish in the sea but I don’t see it that way. There’s no girl that I have ever come across in life that can even remotely measure up to her. You see what she’s done to me? And its not her fault. She hasn’t actually done anything to warrant this. My friends are starting to say that I’m going crazy and everyday the knife turns more and more and the pain is killing me from the inside out. I want to end it. I have to end it. I’m doing this because I hope you never have to see me in the state which I’m in now. I just want you to know that I love you and I hope you can understand why it had to come to this. Please don’t be disappointed in me and remember me in your prayers. I love you, Mom.
i try my best. i really do. i know it might not seem like it but i really do. and when your best is not good enough, it just makes a person feel worthless. exactly what i feel right now. i noticed that i have a problem. i absolutely lack will power. sure i say i’m going to do this and that but the thing is, i’ve never followed through with any of my ideas for self betterment. its as if i feel its enough to just promise myself something. and its not. its not enough. i also realise that you have to work hard to get something but then, i’ve never really taken that seriously. even after writing all this, i know that i’ll just go back to my old routine. its pathological i guess. only after coming to this place i’ve realised that i’m the kind of person who needs to be constantly pushed if i’m going to do anything. thinking back, i used to hate the way my mother used to keep nagging me. how ironic that my mother knew me better than i knew myself even then. i guess she just got it that i’m that kind of a person. now i actually miss all the nagging. at least things would get done. i guess thats what got me through my schooling years and that is what was missing during my time at matriculation and my time here as an undergrad. so in essence, i guess what i’m saying is, i need my mother to be here.
faith………faith is belief in something of which a person has no proof of its existence. religion is a set of beliefs and practices, often centered upon specific supernatural and moral claims about reality, the cosmos, and human nature, and often codified as prayer, ritual, and religious law. in other words, religion is what people use to prove that they have faith (faith in God, in this case). faith cannot be forced on a person. its either the person chooses to believe or not. people who claim to have faith yet do not profess any religion are looked down on and are seen as misguided. one might think that a person who has faith and is not a follower of any religion is actually an oxymoron. in reality, it isn’t. when you think about it, faith and religion are not intertwined and it does not mean that one cannot have the one without having the other. what a person means when they say they have faith in God but do not follow any religion is simply that they believe in the existence of God but not in the way that any of the existing religions portray him as. they are not misguided people. they just choose to believe in God and not believe in organised religion. on the other side of the spectrum, there are also people that profess a religion but do not have faith in God. these people are the ones that fulfill their religious duties without actually believing it leads to something greater and they do it just to appease their family or community. in essence, these people are atheists who are part of a religion. full-blown atheists on the other hand are those that do not believe in the existence of God in any shape or form and wholly reject any type of religious teaching. again, this does not make them bad or misguided people. they have just chosen to believe in logic and need proof before they believe anything which effectively says that they do not have faith. what alot of these religious people do not realise is that religion and faith cannot be stuffed down the throats of others. it is not wrong to profess a religion and worship the God of your choice. it is wrong when you force others to accept your religious values and want others to be governed by the same standards of religion you set for yourself and your family. many people practise the same religion but in different ways. for example, hinduism in india and hinduism in bali. there’s a world of a difference between the religious practices of both but they are both still the same religion. who are we to say that once is right and the other way is wrong? and another thing, there are many people who try to ‘sell’ their religion to others with promises of heaven and forgiveness of sins and whatnot. again i ask, who are we, as mere humans, assuming that there is a greater being presiding over us, to make such promises? you will never find men of true faith ‘selling’ their religion to others in this way. sure, religion is important, but faith should not have to take a back seat to religion. because even if you profess a religion or not, faith is the most important thing………..